It's been awhile...

It's been awhile since I posted. My blog goes through this every now and then, but this time feels different. Everything stopped for me when mom passed. I've definitely read or heard somewhere that the cruelest part of grief is that the world keeps going, and I've just needed to stop, but it wouldn't. Apparently the theme of 2019 was grief. I lost my friend in a car accident in February, my mom passed 2 months later, then in October, another dear friend died.  This is the most grief I have experienced in such a small stretch of time and I'll admit, I've struggled. The anniversary of mom's birthday came around, I celebrated my first holidays without her, then without my friend/s... now spring is coming and I feel like I'm ready to step back into the moving world, but just a toe. Just a little spin. I still have days where I just want to curl up in a ball and cry, but those days don't outnumber the mostly-okay days, and I count that as a win.

I also came out as non binary this year, and I guess now in my invisible blog to the void. Some days I regret coming out. Some days, the level of ma'aming, girling, sheing, that goes on just buries me under. Some days I'm invisible. Some days being visible makes me a target. Some days are okay.

Also, did you notice?
The
world
is
on
fucking
fire.

I have no idea what to do about that whole fucking shit.

But I started writing again. I picked up my art again. I started skating again. I joined an orchestra and started playing my cello again. I don't just want to live in suspension until everything crumbles. I want to go into that void knowing I lived the best life I could, that I helped where I could and rested when I needed, and loved with all of my heart.

So this is me, now. My name is Kit. I'm non binary. I have lost, been lost, and now I think I'm okay with that.

So if you're following my journey, which is mostly just me not letting anybody read my writing, well, thanks. I swear I'll let folks read my work when it's ready.