A balancing act

Here is a list about why I haven't made my writing deadlines:

1. I didn't have time between derby
2. Family life was exploding
3. Relationships were exploding
4. The planet is exploding and I'm hella depressed about it
5. No inspiration
6. Tired
7. Sad
8. Hungry
9. Looking at a wall instead

Okay, I'm going to be real with you, this list could go on forever. I have ADHD and I do a lot of what I call "passion focus". This is a blessing and a curse. It means I can sometimes knuckle down for a month and knock out a whole lot of writing, but it also means that sometimes I hyperfocus on other things (like roller derby). A huge part of my 30s has been learning how to balance that. If I want to be a writer, how do I find ways to do it consistently? How do I do that and still find time to love and live? Because it was ingrained in me that if I couldn't handle my projects in a way that is consistent to the practices of other people without adhd, I just don't really like it, I'm not dedicated, I'm lazy, but the truth is that my brain works a little differently and it's better to learn to work with it rather than against it.

There is no right/write answer. Sometimes I can do it, sometimes I fail, but I like to think of those failures in a positive light. I may have planned to write 3 books last year and only finished 1, but holy hell, I finished an entire rough draft of a book. Shit, that's still big! 

And maybe it's not failure. In roller derby, we talk  A LOT about how important it is to fall. We fall all the time. Falling is not failure, because everybody falls. We expect you to get hit and take a fall, that's why it's so important to learn how to get back up and get back to the game. 

So I try not to view it as failure. When I fall, it's because I didn't manage my balance. No skin off my back, I assess the situation, get back up, and do my best. 

The other fabulous thing bout learning to get back up is that you learn how to assess the situation. Do I need to sit out for a few minutes so I can come back better than ever? If I can't scrimmage today, maybe I can learn more about reffing or NSOing? If I can't work on my novel today, maybe I can work on my blog, or a poem? Maybe I can listen to a podcast about the craft and up my knowledge. Maybe I just need to step away for a day or a week and live my messy life, so that I can get it out of my system and come back to my keyboard with renewed dedication.

So if you're like me, know you're not alone. It's not about writing everyday or following a bunch of prescriptive rules, it's about finding what works best for you. Mess around with different types of schedules, try different things, and never give up. That's the real key: adapt and keep on keeping on. 

A poem about mountains

After sunrise

Our tongues burn
from the Christmas sauce
in the best
breakfast burritos Española 
has to offer.

We four traveled
Past the black mesa,
peaks stretch across
the bright horizon,
a mountain range
like a heartbeat,
or waves of music
dipping into the
next bow stroke.

Snow, punctuated by
trails of hoof prints,
a herd of elks
trekking across the
Valles Caldera.

Back in Columbia,
I found hatch peppers
in the grocers,
And we made
enchilada bowls and
we remembered
Sledding in the
Mountains.

Little blue lock box

I wanted to write a little about the moment that sparked my love for writing and reading, but the truth is that it was a million moments in time. Gabriela Pereira describes everybody as having a zero moment, that moment when began to be a writer, but I don't have a single moment. I was raised in a family that valued and nurtured my love of reading and writing. My childhood was filled with books from story books to American Girl novels. Even though it surrounded me, there were a few moments that stand out as meaningful in my early development.

I wrote my first novel in Mrs. Parker's second grade class. It was 24 pages of paper stapled together, each page was half lines and half blank, so that we could illustrate our story. I scrawled out the story of a young dolphin in big loopy children's letters, the sentences pitching over and under the blue lines. I chose a dolphin not because it was the best story, but because I felt I could draw a dolphin without embarrassing myself. Regardless, when I finished the story, I felt a swell of pride I'd never felt before. It was the first time I realized I could create a story. A BIG story. One that other people would want to read.

Over the summer, I began writing short stories for fun. When I finished writing these short stories, I carefully rolled them up and secured them with a piece of yarn, then I put them in my little blue lock box. I tried to show one of the neighborhood kids, but she made fun of me, so I locked the box and decided to never speak to her again. I don't know what happened to that little blue lock box, or the short stories inside it, but it's probably best they were lost in time.

This all coincided with discovering chapter books. I found Nancy Drew, the Box Car Kids, Babysitter's Club, and Sweet Valley High. Oh, readers, I really, really loved Sweet Valley High. When I was in 3rd grade, my parent's best friend gave me a collection of abridged classics: Black Beauty, Around the World in 80 Days, Little Women, you get the idea. I read Black Beauty and realized, Wow! I can read grown-up stuff! After that, it was open season. I read everything I could get my hands on. I tried to read some of my mom's romance novels, but I got bored, so I picked up my dad's novels and lo-and-behold, I found my genre. Giant worms, sword fighting, adventure, love! Holy crap, sci-fi & fantasy! SO GOOD.

The rest, as they say, is history.

I can't wait to get back to my dragons.
Have an adventuresome Friday, friends!